Yes, I know everyone and their mother loves the movie Devdas. It's the first movie any non-Indian person spouts out of their mouth and asks my opinion on because they're expecting me to agree with them how orgasmically awesome it is.
Well here is how is how I feel about the movie: It sucked. Happy, there I said it. It is 3+ hrs of mind numbing idiocy and bad acting. Beautiful costumes and set design can not hide the fact that the movie's plot was inane, no matter how classic the Indian literature it's based on.
For those of you who haven't seen Devdas here's the plot synopsis: Rich guy is an asshole, rich guy loses poor girl who is his true love because he is a raging douchebag, rich guy drinks himself to death. THE END.
But i'll give more reasosns as to why this turdfest sucked. Infact i'll even make a list.
(It has been a long time since I saw the movie so if im sketchy on details than oh well, the movie still sucks)
1) Shah Rukh Khan was in it playing his usual asshole self. This was his best role of his career because his character was an asshole so it was easy for Sharoo bhai to channel his inner dickhead into this cockbag of a character.
2) Jackie Shraoff played possibly the most annoying character ever put on film. Now I love Jackie, I think he kicks ass and apparently never ages but I wanted to break a bottle over his character's head because he simply wouldn't shut the fuck up. If I met a guy like that during my downward spiral into drugs and alcohol i'd sober up just so I could escape his annoying ass
3) I know what happens to Sharoo's character is sad (supposedly) and people cried at the last scene...but Idon't get it, am I suppose to feel bad because some ivy league dipshit drank himself
to death instead of just moving the fuck on? "what, some rich guy didn't get what he wanted...gosh, how very tragic, darn shame"
I felt no pity for Devdas, only disdian for a being petulent dipstick, and a boring one at that.
4) Everybody loves this fucking movie. It's like a hive mentality when it comes to this film.
There are no nay sayers to denounce this idiot fest and it only frustrates me because the movie itself has no great redeeming aspects beyond it's technical scope. The idea is that; throw enough money into a film and people will forget what a shitty film it really is underneath the gloss.
Om Shanti Om suffers from this same dilemma and Kal ho na Ho.
5) It's way too long, seriously. It may sound like im just bitching now to finish the list but it is way to long of a time frame to tell the story of some weak willed pussy throwing his life away. If I wanted to watch that I'd just hang out in the NYC subways and watch the crackheads...it's free, I decide how long it lasts and it's in clear HD.
The movie does have gorgeous sets, Mrs. Bachan looks drop dead gorgeous as usual and the songs are good and elaborate but that's about it.
Beyond that DEVDAS SUCKED.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
NANA PATEKAR IS BETTER THAN YOU
Nana Patekar is better than you...and if you're a smart human being than you know this fact already. Seriously though, is there a better Indian actor out there! He is seriously underrated and he is not a very prominent actor, but he beats em all. Actually, I like it that way. Anybody who watches his movies can instantly recognize that fact that he steals every secene he is in against anybody.
He is the kinda guy I wanna hang out with but i'd be too intimidated because that look, that look of his is downright scary. He makes no scary scowls or grmiaces...just that highly individualistic stoic expression. If you ever see him play a bad guy you can see how he goes from laughing to dead-ass scary serious in blink of an eye and you can feel it.
Shah Rukh Khan only wishes he could command such power and respect on screen.
Also what I love about him is that he never really plays a good guy or a bad guy, always that guy caught hovering in between the pitfalls of sin and the sanctity of righteousness. A realistic man, more like us....except he looks thousand fold cooler doing it because he is cooler than you and me. I also like the fact he doesn't do dozens of movies a year. Very select few so each one is at treasure to watch, simply because he is in it, even if the movie blows.
So in conclusion: Nana Patekar is better than you so you must recognize that fact...
....and that Shah Rukh Khan sucks.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I DON'T LIKE SHAH RUKH KHAN
I just don't. You know how you know someone who gives off that asshole vibe? That person, who by no fault of their own, just rubs you the wrong way? That's my problem with Shah Rukh Khan...but i'll delve deeper into my condescension for Sharoo.
Infact I'll even make a list for easier reading.
The Reasons I Don't Like Shah Rukh Khan.
1) That laugh...I can't stand his laugh. He has the most fake, contrived laugh. Kinda like the "i'm laughing because i'm better than you but I faintly pretend to be modest". He doesn't laugh with his whole body or with his heart. Seems like he laughs through his softball size adam's apple throat and pointy nose.
2) That Adam's apple...Jeebus almighty. Looks like he collects water there for continued assholery on the go.
3) He has been in every, fucking, lame ass movie which just happens to be massively popular and massively horrible. Let's name some attrocities he has put upon the world;
Kabhi Kushi Kabhi gum: two words: OH GOD
Dilwale Dhulaniya..you know the rest: five words: GOD WERE YOU WATCHING THIS?
Kal ho na ho: This movie accomplished the hard task of adding even further disdian of Bollywood in me.
Don: I don't know if he was suppose to be a criminal mastermind or an average bitchy, gay, fashionista.
4) His fans, especially ages 10-17 and of female gender. Only thing worse than him are his die hard followers who refuse to even question the plot of his crapshoot movies. A typical conversation with a 15yr old Sharoo fan goes something like this:
"That movie was horrible...no one dying of cancer looks like that at terminal stages"
"but LOL....Sharooo is soooooo haw33ttt lolzzz"
5) OVERACTING. No one, I mean no one, overacts more than him. Indian comedies are generally depressing to a point of 0 consideration, so overacting is overlooked. But, in serious roles he overdoes every scene...even scenes requiring restraint and poise....nope, not Sharoo.
He'll even find a way to add some non-sensical theatric to scenes that require silence. Be it through his oh so talented facial gestures which look like he is having some sort of an asshole stroke, or those waterfall like tears he whips out at will. Wow, you're a regular Indian Morgan Freeman.
6) He still plays roles of 20 year olds. COME ON. I suppose he is not the only one to blame. Indian actors have a tendency of being 40+ and playing 19 year olds. Yeah, I am really convinced that Anil Kapoor (in his heyday) was 25 with those bags under his eyes. But, Sharoo should know better. What age did he play in Om Shanti Om? like a 21 year old? Seriously?
Sharoo hasn't looked 19 years old since he was 15 so it doesn't look any more beliveable now.
7) The lame attempts at English slang. Again, not entirely him to blame, but for the sake of this list...yes, yes he is. He attempted so many dickweed english cool words in Om Shanti Om that I was embarrased to have invited non-Indian friends to watch their very first Indian movie.
What a great way to represent our rich culture...5,000+ yrs civilization represented by an actor with English vocabulary of less than 50 words. Thanks, Shah Rukh, thanks.
8) DEVDAS: I didn't list this movie in the previous list because this piece of tripe deserves it's own number (it'll get it's very own blog post in the future because I REALLY don't like this movie).
This movie sucked on almost every level of entertainment.
9) His ego...we all know he has one. He is the most powerful actor in India and possibly one of the most powerful figures in all of Bollywood, but the problem is; he knows it. He shows it and he doesn't care. Even in his movies he gets that shit eating grin because he knows no matter what happens he'll sleep a richer man every coming day.
Props to him for carving his place in a carnivorous industry and rising but does he have to be such a dick about it. In his press junkets he always has this constipated scowl on his face. You're not going to a fucking war, you're promoting a movie which people will forget about in 3 weeks so lighten the fuck up. His arrogance keeps him form being personable...unless you're 15, than he is a droolworthy cutiepie. Yuck.
10) His body. Yes, we all saw his physique in Om Shanti Om and I don't like it. It's not fair that I look like a hand beaten pile of dough while he, at his age, has a body of a ripe 20 year old. Not only is he rich but he also has a figure of a stone carved Greek statue. Fuck that, beer bellies are sexy.
No woman wants a stauesque man like him. Im realistic and affordable. Shah Rukh wouldn't even look twice at most women...possibly men (haha, cheap shot)
So that's my list...so far. A few main reasons I don't like Sharoo bhai.
Infact I'll even make a list for easier reading.
The Reasons I Don't Like Shah Rukh Khan.
1) That laugh...I can't stand his laugh. He has the most fake, contrived laugh. Kinda like the "i'm laughing because i'm better than you but I faintly pretend to be modest". He doesn't laugh with his whole body or with his heart. Seems like he laughs through his softball size adam's apple throat and pointy nose.
2) That Adam's apple...Jeebus almighty. Looks like he collects water there for continued assholery on the go.
3) He has been in every, fucking, lame ass movie which just happens to be massively popular and massively horrible. Let's name some attrocities he has put upon the world;
Kabhi Kushi Kabhi gum: two words: OH GOD
Dilwale Dhulaniya..you know the rest: five words: GOD WERE YOU WATCHING THIS?
Kal ho na ho: This movie accomplished the hard task of adding even further disdian of Bollywood in me.
Don: I don't know if he was suppose to be a criminal mastermind or an average bitchy, gay, fashionista.
4) His fans, especially ages 10-17 and of female gender. Only thing worse than him are his die hard followers who refuse to even question the plot of his crapshoot movies. A typical conversation with a 15yr old Sharoo fan goes something like this:
"That movie was horrible...no one dying of cancer looks like that at terminal stages"
"but LOL....Sharooo is soooooo haw33ttt lolzzz"
5) OVERACTING. No one, I mean no one, overacts more than him. Indian comedies are generally depressing to a point of 0 consideration, so overacting is overlooked. But, in serious roles he overdoes every scene...even scenes requiring restraint and poise....nope, not Sharoo.
He'll even find a way to add some non-sensical theatric to scenes that require silence. Be it through his oh so talented facial gestures which look like he is having some sort of an asshole stroke, or those waterfall like tears he whips out at will. Wow, you're a regular Indian Morgan Freeman.
6) He still plays roles of 20 year olds. COME ON. I suppose he is not the only one to blame. Indian actors have a tendency of being 40+ and playing 19 year olds. Yeah, I am really convinced that Anil Kapoor (in his heyday) was 25 with those bags under his eyes. But, Sharoo should know better. What age did he play in Om Shanti Om? like a 21 year old? Seriously?
Sharoo hasn't looked 19 years old since he was 15 so it doesn't look any more beliveable now.
7) The lame attempts at English slang. Again, not entirely him to blame, but for the sake of this list...yes, yes he is. He attempted so many dickweed english cool words in Om Shanti Om that I was embarrased to have invited non-Indian friends to watch their very first Indian movie.
What a great way to represent our rich culture...5,000+ yrs civilization represented by an actor with English vocabulary of less than 50 words. Thanks, Shah Rukh, thanks.
8) DEVDAS: I didn't list this movie in the previous list because this piece of tripe deserves it's own number (it'll get it's very own blog post in the future because I REALLY don't like this movie).
This movie sucked on almost every level of entertainment.
9) His ego...we all know he has one. He is the most powerful actor in India and possibly one of the most powerful figures in all of Bollywood, but the problem is; he knows it. He shows it and he doesn't care. Even in his movies he gets that shit eating grin because he knows no matter what happens he'll sleep a richer man every coming day.
Props to him for carving his place in a carnivorous industry and rising but does he have to be such a dick about it. In his press junkets he always has this constipated scowl on his face. You're not going to a fucking war, you're promoting a movie which people will forget about in 3 weeks so lighten the fuck up. His arrogance keeps him form being personable...unless you're 15, than he is a droolworthy cutiepie. Yuck.
10) His body. Yes, we all saw his physique in Om Shanti Om and I don't like it. It's not fair that I look like a hand beaten pile of dough while he, at his age, has a body of a ripe 20 year old. Not only is he rich but he also has a figure of a stone carved Greek statue. Fuck that, beer bellies are sexy.
No woman wants a stauesque man like him. Im realistic and affordable. Shah Rukh wouldn't even look twice at most women...possibly men (haha, cheap shot)
So that's my list...so far. A few main reasons I don't like Sharoo bhai.
Friday, March 7, 2008
INDIANS HAVE SEX. PERIOD.
Indians have sex. Period. It's a not a shocking thing, especially considering we pop out more little ones than we know what to do with...so why do we hide from sex? In movies of all places.
Bollywood is like that girl that teases you and teases you and teases you even further until you're so excited that you stand up in heat, pull out your penis, in all it's glory, and, are, awaiting heavenly pleasures...only to be met with utter disgust by the girl, as if you've officially outdone every known, grand, pervert in this one attempt.
such choice analogy aside it's true. Try watching Indian movies or music videos with your parents these days without turning red from shame or embarrassment. It's shocking how much suggested sexual innuendo is prevalent in Bollywood productions, but what is one thing that is missing???
The fruit of this sexual innuendo...the actual sex of course. Harking back to my analogy, why is there so much conservatism in Indian movies when it comes to presenting sex on celluloid? The tired old images of two pairs of feet rustling under bed sheets is lame and sad. You're telling me you can show me a chick walking around 90% naked but not suggest she is actually having sex too. Ridiculous.
Forget even showing images of actual sex or frontal nudity for now. Most Indian filmmakers can't even get English slang in their movies right, I don't expect them to have the understanding or maturity to actually incorporate images of nudity (female or male...female preferred) as an important vehicle in a particular scene or movie, but, what's wrong with kissing?
Slowly (and I mean slowly) few movies have actual on screen, real kisses..and those look as real as my attempts to Photoshop my face on Brad Pitt's torso. Indians kiss (or I am guessing they do), well at least the new generation does, so why is it so few and far between in Bollywood. Most Bollywood movies today try their hardest to come off like the retarded cousin of Hollywood, never learns its lesson.
Do the actors hate each other? Is it religious dogma keeping kissing and nudity at bay? Not like there are no Indian movies with no nudity in it, so how did these filmmakers of such movies get away with it?
Why the hell do these kisses end with the camera moving away? or lights fading? Or when none of that happens why do the directors show some utterly horrible kisses? Kissing is a soft, sensual art...not a rampant face eating or "I am kissing my mother" style play.
I am no porn fetish sicko but come on. Films can be classy and show the vulnerable side of humanity that is sex...hell, look at French Films. It's not considered an authentic French film if there isn't at least 3 exposed penises and couple of pair of breasts and vaginas on display. So why are we so on the fence about this? We'll probably see an actual, honest to god real, pair of boobs in a mainstream Bollywood movie when I am ready to use a Colostomy bag. I know it's more of a social movement than an industry one. After all, even Bollywood has to stay within the social confounds of it's given society but still....COME ON!!!.
Why are VCDs still popular in India?
Why are they? Don't give me any excuses about poverty and easier and cheaper medium to distribute. Bollywood already tries desperately to emulate Hollywood in every way imaginable, so then why not emulate Hollywood's love of decent picture quality. Bollywood should be pushing for higher standards on video qualty...because let's face, they're not shooting for higher standards in film making.
If you're going to make crock pot movies you can atleast ease the pain by not putting them on such a crock pot medium.
VCDs are good for quick home movies to watch on DVD players (if you're one of the 3 people alive, one of them being me, who doesn't own a DVD burner) but it's a terrible choice for watching a whole movie.
Unless someone has a better explanation (im guessing rampant piracy is helping the VCD situation) for why this atrocity to the eyes of Indian people all over...um..India occurs I will say...
...VCDs suck.
If you're going to make crock pot movies you can atleast ease the pain by not putting them on such a crock pot medium.
VCDs are good for quick home movies to watch on DVD players (if you're one of the 3 people alive, one of them being me, who doesn't own a DVD burner) but it's a terrible choice for watching a whole movie.
Unless someone has a better explanation (im guessing rampant piracy is helping the VCD situation) for why this atrocity to the eyes of Indian people all over...um..India occurs I will say...
...VCDs suck.
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